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The worst pain that a parent can feel is the loss of a child. The horror that they feel when a child dies is simply beyond imagining for most of us. When we think about how to help grieving parents, it’s natural to feel rather powerless, but there are things we can do to show our love and support in these darkest of days. Compassionate friends are always a comfort, and there are ways you can demonstrate this through their bereavement.
While nothing anyone can do will ‘fix’ the pain that someone mourning the loss of a child feels, there are things that might offer them some comfort and remind them that they’re not alone.
The first thing you can do is simply offer to be there for them. The presence of a friend or family member with a sympathetic shoulder to cry on could offer them some level of emotional relief. Their emotions will be raw, so don’t expect them to be their usual selves and don’t place any pressure on them to talk if they don’t want to. It can be difficult to think of what to say to grieving parents, but words of comfort for the loss of a child can be very helpful in reminding them that they are loved and supported. Being present lets you do simple things like hug them or let them share their feelings.
That being said, it’s important to ensure that a grieving mother or father has space if they need it, so make your judgments carefully. If they don’t feel up to company, offer to help take care of the practicalities; cook a meal, or offer to do the shopping. Life goes on, even when we wish it would pause, so shouldering some of that burden can be incredibly helpful. Try phrasing your offer along the lines of “I’m making dinner, would you like me to bring some round?” rather than “What can I do?”. Many people in mourning find having to make decisions to be a burden, so a direct offer is often better received.
For some, they may feel that they need professional help to deal with their emotions as they grieve the loss of a daughter or son. You can facilitate this by doing the research into finding a therapist who specializes in grief or simply offering rides to appointments if they prefer to go in person rather than online. There are lots of resources and services out there that can be helpful, but actually finding them when surrounded by the fog of grief can feel too much.
Bringing gifts, whether something as simple as a home-cooked meal or something like a personalized memorial picture, will let them know that you’re thinking of them and that they’re not alone.
Gifts for a parent in mourning can be tricky; you want to offer comfort, but it can all too often feel like you’re overstepping the mark. What is most appropriate will depend on your relationship to the grieving father or mother. For close friends and family members, a memorial gift that honors the departed child may be the best option.
These gifts come in lots of different forms and can offer great comfort to someone dealing with bereavement. Creating a painting of loved ones, showing the lost child smiling, can be custom-crafted to serve as a sensitive and thoughtful centerpiece for a memorial corner in their home or displayed at a funeral. It’s important to work closely with the commissioned artist to ensure that the final result is heartfelt and appropriate.
Another popular option is to edit the departed into a family photo. This can help those grieving the loss of a child feel as if they were there ‘in spirit’. These pictures will last a lifetime and stand as a powerful reminder that while the deceased child may not be present physically, the love that the grieving parents feel will always remain.
If you decide against a memorial artwork, there are other ways you can demonstrate your support through gifting. Gift baskets or a simple sympathy card will show a grieving parent that people are thinking of them as they mourn.
Words have an incredible power, but when faced with something as enormous as comforting a mother grieving the loss of a son or a father whose daughter has passed, it can be hard to know what to say. While you might be feeling all kinds of emotions for your friend, finding the right words to say to a grieving person may feel like an impossible task. This is further complicated by the fact that none of us ever experiences grief in quite the same way.
The first thing to do is acknowledge their loss and that you accept you can only be of limited help. The death of a child is an unimaginable horror and a father or mother’s grief is likely to be all-consuming and you’re not going to fix it in a short conversation. Statements like “I’m sorry for your loss” may feel like empty platitudes. Instead, it might be better to simply let them know that you’re thinking about them and are there for them should they want to unload.
Asking if there is anything they need can be a good way to help them open up. It’s better to phrase this as an offer, something like “I’m going to the shop, do you want anything” or “I’m hungry, do you want something to eat?” rather than “is there anything I can do?”. This takes the burden of them deciding what they can reasonably ask for away from them and makes things much easier.
There are things you should simply never say to someone who is grieving. Don’t compare their loss to your own; everyone’s experience of grief is different. Don’t even consider saying things like “you’ll get over it” because they won’t; they’ll learn to live with the hurt, but it will be ever-present.
Grieving is often said to come in five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It’s only natural that these emotions are even stronger when dealing with the loss of a child. People don’t go through them in order and there’s no simple road map through them. People will often experience many of them at the same time, alternate back and forth between them or skip stages altogether.
Depending on your relationship with the person who has experienced this most tragic loss, there are many things you can do to offer help and support. Often, simply letting them know that you’re thinking of them and that you’ll be there should they need you can be of great comfort. This lets you show your love while still respecting their need for space to process their emotions.
It’s particularly important not to neglect a grieving father. He is in just as much pain as a mother grieving the loss of a son or daughter and may not have the same support networks or feel as comfortable expressing his deeper emotions.
The death of a child is the heaviest blow that anyone can suffer. To put it simply, nothing you can do will ‘fix’ the pain that grieving parents feel but there are things you can do to make it easier for them. Offer to handle the practicalities of life, which may feel overwhelming, offer to let them vent to you or simply let them know that you’re there should they need you while respecting their space.
If you feel that offering an artwork reminder of their lost child would be helpful, take the time to ensure the final result is tasteful and heartfelt. These memorial artworks can be a powerful way to help them remember.
