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For many of us, looking to our mothers for emotional guidance, even well into adulthood, is the most natural thing in the world. This makes navigating the loss of your mother all the more heartbreaking; the person you looked to for support through difficult times isn’t there anymore. Unfortunately, dealing with the death of a mother is something most of us will experience.
Even in the case of a long, drawn-out illness, it’s very hard to fully prepare for the loss of your mom and there is bound to be a significant impact on your mental health. There are things that many people find helpful in these trying times and that might help start the healing process. Even if your relationship with your mother wasn’t particularly close, it’s only natural that you’ll be feeling complex, and often overwhelming, emotions that you’ll need to work through.
For those of us who want to support a loved one through this horrible time, or simply wish to pay our condolences on the loss of a mother, there are a few things that the grieving person may find particularly helpful. There are also many, many things that you should probably avoid.
A mother’s loss is perhaps the hardest blow that most of us will ever be dealt. Our mothers are often our biggest supporters, offering us unconditional love. When that emotional safety net suddenly vanishes, it can leave us feeling ungrounded and hopeless.
Your mom was probably the first person who loved you and has been a constant presence in your life. She’s been there to share the good times with you and counsel you through the bad. The loss of a mom strikes us on a deeper level than most deaths might. We’re not just missing her, but mourning the fact that she won’t be there for the big events in the future.
Many people find that there is comfort to be found in editing the deceased mom into photographs of events that happen after her passing. These remembrance photos can help people to feel that she was there in spirit for things like weddings, the birth of a grandchild or other major milestones.
Of course, it’s not simply the idea of a future without her that hurts, but the reality of the present. We often lean on our mothers for emotional support during major upheavals and, when faced with her death, it can be hard to know where to turn. Our other family members, friends and partners will want to support us but it simply won’t feel the same as picking up the phone and hearing her voice.
If you’re wondering how to cope with the loss of your mother, the answer is that it won’t be easy, but here are a few things that lots of people find helpful:
Many people find that the chaos and busyness following a death serve as a distraction, allowing them to keep going. Organizing funerals, liaising with family members and the authorities, it all takes time and energy and there’s certainly comfort to be found in keeping busy with the practicalities.
Once the funeral is over, all this activity suddenly ends. We’re no longer flooded with people offering their condolences and saying “sorry for the loss of your mother” and are left alone with our emotions. For many people, this is where they’ll find the hardest times. It can feel like people have forgotten at exactly the time you need them to remember.
Building a memorial corner in your home can help with these feelings. These small shrines to the memory of your mom give you a way to honor her and act as a focus for your grief. They don’t have to be grand, complex things either. For most people, opting for a fairly simple arrangement allows them to acknowledge their feelings without it becoming overbearing.
A memorial corner might be as simple as a photograph of your deceased mom, a vase of her favorite flowers or something else which reminds you of her. Many people like to display custom artworks, such as a memorial canvas, showing their mother as they want to remember her.
However you choose to build your remembrance corner, it’s important that it’s personal to you and you feel that it properly honors the memory of your mother. If you’d like to commission portraits of loved ones, you can browse the collection first to find something that suits your needs. Then, our artists, specialized in this kind of work, will go the extra mile to create a meaningful keepsake you will be proud of.
If you feel that this isn’t an appropriate way to honor the memory of your mother, there are other choices. There are also other ways to honor the memory of your mother. For example, you could plant a memorial garden or tree, creating a space where you can feel close to her.
There is a saying: “Time heals all wounds”. It isn’t exactly true, but as time passes and we start to adapt to the loss of our mothers, most people find that they find ways to carry on. The pain will still be there and it will hit you in waves, often at the most unexpected times, but as the months and years roll on, you’ll find the nature of your mourning changes.
In the immediate period after the loss of your mother, you might feel all kinds of emotions: pain, sadness, numbness, and anger. These are all perfectly natural stages of grief and the idea that you’ll ever feel anything else may genuinely horrify you, but as time passes, most people find that these recede as the five stages of grief play out.
After a while, you might find that you can share a memory of your mother with someone and rather than overbearing pain, you feel a warmth and things that remind you of her make you feel loved rather than crushed. This is the healing process starting. It won’t be linear and the pain will still be there, but it allows you to find joy in your memories again.
While our mothers are often our emotional crutches, they’re rarely the only people we can rely on to see us through hard times. Family and friends will want to be there for you and they can offer great comfort. Whether you’re looking for someone to vent your emotions to or a distraction, the people who know us best and love us will want to be there to help.
Sharing memories with our nearest and dearest after the loss of a mother can be incredibly therapeutic. They may not be a replacement for a deceased mother but they are a support network and there’s no shame in relying on them while you mourn.
If you have siblings or your father is still alive, make sure that you keep them close. They’re going through something similar to you (though grief is an intensely personal emotion), so you’ll be well placed to support each other.
If you are a family member or friend, think about what you say to the bereaved person very carefully. It can be tricky to find the right blend of supportive and understanding without falling back on tired clichés and platitudes, but there are guides out there to help you work out what to say for the loss of a mother.
Grief is a complex emotion and there will be a lot to unpack as you start the healing process. Many people find that talking with a therapist or counselor can be incredibly helpful, especially if they feel like they’re having trouble working through their emotions themselves.
You may feel that you don’t want to ‘burden’ your friends and family with your emotions (they almost certainly won’t feel that way, but grief is not a logical feeling) and that you’re more comfortable speaking to a professional. This is absolutely a valid way of finding the tools you might need to start to process a mother’s loss.
There’s simply no masking it: life after the death of a mother will be different and getting to a stage where you feel that you’re starting to adapt to it will be a long and painful journey. Be gentle with yourself and lean on those around you; they’ll want to support you through it all.
Grief is rarely a straightforward emotion. You might feel that you’re making progress only for something to remind you of her unexpectedly and knock you back once more. Although it hurts, this is normal and, as time passes, you’ll find that it gets a little easier each time. Given enough distance, the feelings of dread and hopelessness will slowly fade and allow you to take pleasure in your happy memories again.
Lots of people find that surrounding themselves with mementos and memorial artworks can help with the healing process. The simple act of searching through photographs for suitable references can help spark the warm emotional memories that we need to hang on to during these darkest of times.
